Canada has welcomed me back home with gorgeous summer weather, cool breezes and blue skies. Plus, my lovely puppy Emma Bear has greeted me with bounces, smiles, sausage rolls (this is what I call when she rolls around the grass on her back like a little Corgi sausage) – love J Being back in the countryside has been a breath of fresh air, with a sky filled with stars, being able to watch the dogs run around the property, and just sitting in the sunroom thinking about what’s next. And that’s why I type now – what is next?
Being back home and being finished with school stress is amazing, however the looming question keeps pounding on my skull as to what I am up to next. I cannot stand lots of open time where productivity cannot be found. So last night, after a long talk with mother dearest, we developed a solution… more to come on that later.
How I’m feeling right now is complicated and frustrating. I want so much to be happy and to be at peace right now, but anxiety is bouncing around my chest. I feel so close to contentment, so so close that it is annoooyyiing. I am finally finished with school, and even if a PhD is in my future, it will not be for a long time. I’m back in North America, which eliminates an ocean between me and my chap, although a long drive still separates us. And I’m ready for a job, for income, for a new home in Toronto, but finding one is proving difficult. It sucks, but it’s all life – it’s my life. I so badly, however, want the world to be on the same page as me and I do not feel like this is the case, at least not supporting me the same way I have it.
I can’t force others to be alongside me in my pursuit, but more than anything I want them there with me so that I can support them in return. I’m going through a lot, and emotionally I have been unstable. There’s no excuse for that to continue, but I do feel like I have had valid reasons to be stressed up to now. I see the wonderful in people, I see the heart, the beauty, and the hard work in people. I see the wonderful through the faults, because as humans we all have faults, as do I. I am more than aware of my issues, but the key in this is that I am aware. But when you’re consistently told what’s wrong with you while you’re working to get past it, it’s disheartening. I feel like I have a lot going for me within my personality – I’m kind, honest, trustworthy, funny, quirky, smart, open, respectful, considerate, and selfless. I’ve come to know these things over the past year and a half. But I know I have faults that come along with the ride of having lived life. I’ve surpassed a quarter of a century, and I’ve been vulnerable all of my life and it’s rarely paid off – lies, tragedies, broken hearts, racism, bigotry, ignorance, and all by people I held dear to me. It’s hard, it literally feels like your heart is failing when you are hurt so badly for no reason whatsoever. I’ve come to realize this throughout this past year. I have been through a lot for someone who has never sought out evil against another, who has committed to every aspect of my life, and who has avoided a down spiral because I’m aware that my life truly affects others as well. But I am human, and I can hurt, and I can crumble, and I do fail. I want so badly for someone to help me see the good, to acknowledge the good, and to stop picking at my flaws – I know my flaws affect others, and I have vowed to work towards bettering myself, but this requires support.
When I promise something, it’s a promise kept. No arguments. I’m difficult, but I’m considerate. I’m emotional, but I’m working on it. I’m unstable at times, but so are many people and I never give-up on them. I feel like I give so much positive that when the negative shows up, it becomes the highlight for people. My heart is good, but it’s because I’ve known pain, I’ve known tragedy, and I’ve known hurt. A good heart requires someone to embrace it and to embrace the honesty that comes along with it.
I think right now I feel disheartened. Mixed signals are throwing me off, and to be honest, I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not good enough for the life I want to make for myself. That’s where my anxiety and sadness lies. I have a plan and I am willing to throw myself into that plan because a good, honest life requires commitment.
That’s it for now. More later on my little upcoming plan for the weeks to come.
Keep the love,
Love from, Vic Louise xoxoxo