I am knackered out. Exhausted. Like, holy crap tired. These past few weeks have been ridiculously busy, hectic, stressful, and heavy. I’ve fallen off track with keeping up with this blog, but for good cause. I’ve been trying my best to take care of me these past couple of months, something of which I find to be much more exhausting and draining than I could have possibly imagined. I think once you begin to acknowledge your struggles, they truly do catch up with you. I’ve always been one to recognize that my struggles could be worse – you know, the mental trick you play on yourself when your day is going rougher than usual and to put it all into manageable perspective, you tell yourself that it could be worse. But what I’ve come to realize is that although this method is great for superficial concerns and trivial complaints, it can also defer your mind from dealing with more growing problems. I’ve been telling myself for years and years, since I was a youngster, that it could be worse. But in the end, struggle is struggle and, yes although my life does not include genocide, war, poverty, or abuse – if my body and mind are struggling with day-to-day functions and stress, then I should take time to breathe and address. If I dwell on my issues, bury myself in my ‘distress’ then it’s unhealthy for anyone. But to look at my past few years and recognize that I’ve been hurt, distressed, struggling, and worn down is neither selfish nor self-obsessive. So yeah, these past few months I have been knackered out with recognizing what I’ve been protecting myself from, and in turn, burying myself under for a long while.
Although I have been exhausted from dealing with life events up until now, there have resided positives. A few months ago I was hired on with an NGO in Toronto that works with artisans in developing regions as a Digital Communications Manager and PR Associate, which has been excellent experience for my future endeavors. However, to keep up with financial stresses, I’ve taken a second job as a Front Desk Coordinator in a salon/spa within my hometown in southern Ontario, a couple of hours East of my preferred location of Toronto. The latter job has proven difficult for me to work within, mainly due to my stubborn expectations in the workplace, let alone dealing with people who apparently have hundreds of dollars to spend on their aesthetics but a couple bucks to tip… this has also proven my ability not to tell people to f*ck off when I feel like it! Resume builder? I think so! I am proud of myself for focusing on the big picture and stress, which concerns finances, however my skill sets in focusing on negativity have proven to increase my struggles to remain at peace. I’m working on it – it’s a process, if nothing else.
More positives – I have finally joined a gym to work on my physical health, which in turn aids my mental and emotional health. I will also be speaking at an event in Toronto on immigration, racism and culture in the next few weeks, which has me extremely excited as it’s a topic I have worked hard to explore for my own right and others – and oddly enough, has relation to what I’m going through currently. This brings much contentment, in all honesty – I am truly looking forward to this opportunity. If nothing else, these past few years have tested and shown me the strength of which I am capable. I push and I fight and I do not give up. I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m working my ass off to get there, even if right now that requires making sure that my life is a healthy one.
I still have rough days where everything seems to be too much for me to handle, and where I wish I could run away from it all. But I’ve never run without a cause; I’ve never run away, but rather ran towards. I have always been susceptible to stress, and so avoiding it is hard enough as it is, but with having already accrued much stress, sadness, frustration, and vulnerability, mental stress causes much anxiety. So I am trying to focus on my life – my wellbeing. It’s a new cause in my life, but it’s coming along thus far. I’ve got good people, a partner I whole-heartedly cherish, and a soul that’s not done fighting.
But I am tired – these past few weeks have included work for both jobs around the clock. So tonight, it’s sleepy time.
Love from, Vic Louise xoxoxo