Flickering Eyelids

To You,

I haven’t written in while and that’s because I’m truly just tired lately. I’ve been trying to find inspiration – to finding me, in all honesty – and right now I’m just lacking in the energy or the perspective to do just this. My life is feeling.. I don’t know. I don’t know the word that correctly sums up how I’ve been feeling other than just tired. I’m tired of always trying to get things together to formulate a decent equation as to what I want my life to be built up from and feeling like I’m constantly falling short. I want to travel to paint a fuller picture of the life my father had before mine. I want to learn languages so that I can talk to the people that reside in the places I travel. I want to build up a conceptual understanding of places and the human race so that I may become more inspired to create again. I want to have a home that I can feel at ease and settled and a job where I feel at rest and fulfilled.

I have felt stuck for so long now, for years. Stuck and tired. Immigration is taking it’s course, and its a predictable slow one at that, and in the mean time I am to sit, and wait, and put my life on hold. No building upon my life with the travels I have put on hold for the past few years. I don’t feel like me, and I’m exhausted from having to push forth a front that’s not me.

People tell me that my exhaustion, my frustrations, my stresses – that they’re all just life. But whose life? Life is filled with troubles, stresses, obstacles, but what these are defined by are what make me unfulfilled right now. These stresses are due to things that aren’t me. I’ve had financial issues before, but they were because I’d landed in a new country and needed to dig up a job to help me buy food and pay for accommodation. I found whatever job I could find, just like right now, but it was to help me live the life I wanted to live, not one I feel stuck living. I’ve been stressed with communication issues, but because I didn’t speak the same language and not because people were too lazy to merely vocalize an issue in a familiar language.

I’m just tired. Really tired. I cry too often, my eyes twitch out of exhaustion for weeks. I can predict almost every move and word spoken by people everyday. Some days I wonder who really knows who I am out of the people I interact with daily, and it makes me feel alone. I don’t recall the last full day that I felt like myself, and whoever I’ve become lately has made me knocked down tired. My spirit is not enlightened, and my soul is feeling emptied out – and in the end, it’s all my fault.

Sleepy now, sweet dreams.

Love from, Vic Louise xoxoxo


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